Israel Eugene Steinmetz - Online Memorial Website

11/26/09

Another holiday has come and gone. Time heals but no longer comforts. I'm very happy with Jeff, it's not that. I just wish  you were alive regardless if we were married or not. I want to share stories of Laura with you. Like I remember sitting in bed with you when I was pregnant and discussing what she might be like, her future, her personality, her faith etc. We might not have been destined to be  married forever but parenthood we  were aces. She was the best thing we did together. She is so much like you..so smart and insightful. I feel like she's being slighted not having you as  part of her life. You could teach her things I  know I cannot. It's so not fair. Jeff is doing good to try to fill the role. He's trying hard..beyond hard.and doing good. I just miss you as a co-parent and friend.

8/3/09

Well, I'm getting married next June. Talk about strange, huh? I feel your hand in it very much so. Suddenly, I meet  this guy who is just like me and meets criteria I wanted. I remember you proposing May 2001. You proposed to me during Mass. We were happy.

You obviously are not forgotten. You not only gave me beautiful Laura but you gave me a man who is incredible. I will never understand your choice to end your life and will always feel angry about that - but I'm raising Laura the best I can.

5/27/09

Laura is now asking more questions about you. She has asked me, "Can I go play with Daddy in Heaven?" and told me, "I want more pictures of Daddy in Heaven, Mommy, and Laura." It takes all my strength not to burst out in tears when she says these things with sadness and innocence. I never saw myself in this position. I'll never understand how you could leave such an adorable daughter.

4/5/09

2 years have gone by...I miss you. What I wouldn't give for you to run in the house and talk to me..see Laura. This is also the 10 year date that I met you. 10 years! You were such a good father and listener. I wish you got help that day and not end your life. We needed you here.

2/14/08

I admit this Valentine's Day is a little easier to take mainly because it has been almost 2 years and Jeff. But I still miss you. On Sunday, at Mass, my eyes filled with tears when singing Amazing Grace. I also miss your opinion and ideas on things and events. I miss just talking the day away. You were so smart, I loved how you challenge me to think deeper and open my mind.

I think you'd approve of how I'm living my life now. I'm raising Laura the best way I know how. She is intelligent but can be so stubborn. You'd get a kick out of her. She's a learner but is also caring, helpful and absolutely beautiful. Everyone who knows her, loves her. However, you're the only one who knows almost exactly how I feel about her.

12/24/08

The presents are under the tree. Laura's asleep. I have Christmas music playing. I miss you. At Mass tonight, my eyes filled with tears singing O Come All Ye Faithful. I definitely miss you but feel very much your presence. During Mass, I looked over  and I swear from the corner of my eye - I saw you standing next to me.

I was trying to imagine you with Laura. She is SO smart that it's scary sometimes. We always said we thought we'd have a smart kid. We did.  I miss your input with her because I think she is a lot like you. She speaks so clear and correct, she loves stories, books, math and puzzles. I think you would have got a big kick out of her and nurture her intelligence. I try and do the best I can but always wonder what you would do.

Laura told me you're with Jesus and always picks you out in pictures. Don't worry - she'll know who you are.

I also feel you would approve of Jeff. He's great with her and tries to develop her mind. I think if one day we end up married, he'll make an excellent father to her. We're away off from that but I just wanted you to know.

I can see you smiling because I remember telling you that if you died that I probably would not remarry. I thought I could only love you. But you told me that I would because I'm a loving person and love continues. So I guess you're right and if Jeff and I don't make it - At least I know I'm capable of loving again and receiving love.

I remember our last Christmas. We tried to make Mass but it didn't work - Laura just turned 3 months old. So we sat in the livingroom and watched Scrooge and It's A Wonderful Life. We ate snacks and loved Laura. I remember I had remorse about not making it to Mass...I swear somewhere in my subconscious I knew it was our last Christmas because I remember feeling the urgency  to go but it didn't work out.

12/21/08

It has been quite awhile since I wrote. I see that as a good thing because I'm moving forward. I actually took a huge step forward by seriously dating a person. Not just casual but the real deal. It's been an interesting process and the fact  that he's still with me is a testament in itself.

When I first talked to Jeff, we both knew we'd at least be friends. Then about two days later we went on our first date - then continued. I fought it - tried to come up with every excuse why it would not work. Why? Because that place I protected for only you for almost 10 years was  getting smaller. Not that I'll ever stop loving you because that is  impossible but maybe I  can trust, be in love, and be happy in a relationship.

Our bond was so complex but very real. We both knew we were so different yet drawn to each other. I miss how we used to sleep and at any point of the night you'd hug, kiss me.. We always kissed to the point that if we didn't, there was an ache. I still have that ache. We were connected. But for some reason, you were given a temper that was hard to control and our rationals were off point. Every time you yelled - a part of my spirit died. I know you didn't want to treat me like that. You would feel so guilty that I think it consumed you. You loved me  with whatever you had. We both knew but knew we couldn't remain like that for our family sake.

So now there's Jeff. I seriously believe you contributed in us meeting. He's everything I ever wanted for myself and Laura.

Today is Laura's second birthday. She had an excellent party - presents, moon bounce, friends, but no you. Luckily, Ben, Toby, Toni, and Jake came. I know I haven't written much lately, but as you know, I'm missing you daily. There is no one I can truly remenince of the birth of our daughter but you. I want your viewpoint and opinions. I'm very lucky to have  amazing friends and family (yours and mine) that love us and help us. Yet sometimes I just want to talk to you and just want the three of us again. Now it's the 6 of us... 

I remember 8pm feeling like my water broke on 9/20. You dashed around packing and keeping me calm. Everything so quick and surreal. I remember you holding her the first time - she so tiny and you so proud.

We created a remarkable person. I believe somehow you can 'see' that but I still wish you were here so Laura could know that. But all the wishes will not change the fact so we do what we can. I love you.

I love you, bro and I miss your hearty laughter!

6/5/08

The last few weeks I've been feeling much better. I won Ms. Wheelchair PA 2008 for the Ms. Wheelchair USA program. I know how proud you would be of me. I can feel it.

I remember all your help the last time I won. You helped me with press releases, and speeches. You were a big help. I also liked how you were proud to introduce me as MWP 2001.

5/22/08

Wow - this has been a roller coaster time. I'm learning grief has no time limit. I wanted it to and tried to make that work, but I failed. It can't be done.

Laura is showing your traits. She wants to wash her hands constantly. I don't think it is a bad thing. You washed your hands frequently and hardly ever got physically sick. When she is angry, she clenches her fists. You did that. I was always terrified when I saw your fists clench. You'll be happy to know that I'm teaching Laura healthy methods of anger release. She dances like you. It's so cute to see. She's very smart and stubborn and loves books.

I miss my friend in you and boyfriend. ;) I do feel some jealousy when I see my friends with their partners. It's natural. I remember how we were. I remember the excitement when you called and electricity when I saw you.

5/20/08

Feelings change rapidly. Tonight I'm feeling angry. Zef, our nephew, is having a VERY hard time understanding what happened to you. The fact that he (and all your nephews and daughter) even need to know what suicide is one day infuriates me. Zef saw you as a hero. Heroes do not abandoned their children when times get rough. I always told you that if anything happens to our marriage, I want you there for Laura always. You left her. You left Zef, Drayke, CJ, Jake, Trevor etc and all who knew you. Why? Because you couldn't control your temper? You left me, the mother of your daughter, no explanation. Not even a note that says you loved us. I know you did but that action did not say it.

How do you explain to a child that what you did was wrong and not a choice to be followed when times are hard? Their lives are beyond precious as yours was. Why did you take the gift away? Explain please.

5/12/08

I'm having a very hard time lately. That familiar ache is back. Yesterday would have been our sixth wedding anniversary. Last year I think I was too much in shock to feel the pain of missing you. I miss the man I married. Who was he? He made me feel like I was the most amazing brilliant woman in the world. I never imagined I would be single six years later. He looked so handsome that day..handsome, strong, proud, happy, loved. I want to redo that day over and over. Whenever I think about the happiest days of my life - that is it. I felt pure joy. I miss being with you. I miss not being able to share good news or bad news. I miss making you proud. I miss not doing things with Laura that we planned and dreamed of. I feel like you're still with us in spirit, but that only consoles so much. I can't feel your arms, hands, lips,..I can't see your smile...I can't hear your voice.

I want to have a relationship again. I know you want me to. But it's so hard to let you go when that man I married on 5/11/02 was everything I wanted and needed.

4/6/08

This weekend has been crazy and now I can take a break and remember. April 6, 2007 - I called home probably 10+ times and my Dad drove by but your car didn't move. Anne wrote me to say she came at 6am and no answer. My stomach dropped and my heart broke. I knew you were dead. I quick signed on AIM to see if you were on and I wrote you an email saying I love you and to call me even though I knew you couldn't.

I started bargaining with God. I counted to 10 asking for the phone to ring. I wanted my feelings to be untrue. I felt guilt like never before. My feelings were so strong but I couldn't even tell anyone. I wanted to spare the pain of the new reality coming to our lives. I couldn't eat lunch. I could barely talk. I heard voices in my head saying you're dead. Guilt, guilt, guilt. I remember looking out Julie's window. A dove sat perfectly still on the telephone wire looking at me. Doves mate for life - my mate was dead and I felt that dove was my mate saying good bye.

I told Julie my suspicions. She didn't believe me, but who would? You were so lively, smart, funny, advocate for life, a fighter, a father.. I knew. Everyone disagreed. At this point, it didn't matter because you were dead except poor Lucky couldn't go outside. Hersjel came home from work and Julie told him my thoughts. He thought it was time to go and see what is going on. My Dad and Hersjel left. Julie, Zef, Laura,  and I sat, waiting, praying. Julie being a very positive person tried to be positive but I told her I needed to think the worst. My Dad called around 8:15pm - Julie just started crying, Zef clung to her leg, I felt weak, cold, calm,  and numb. I knew but to hear it was like a stab all over my body. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I cried like an uncontrollable earthquake shook my soul.

Julie and I tried to tell Zef we were crying because I was sick. But we both felt he knew. Julie called my brother, mom, and friends to come and support. The rest of the night is vivid but unclear. I know I wanted every single question and detail answered. As people came, they hugged me and I cried. Everyone telling me it wasn't my fault. When my Dad came home after dealing with the coroner, I asked him how, when, where, and why. It must've been a horrible ordeal for my Dad to tell his daughter.

I was relieved you didn't do it in any gory way, but I felt intense anger that you did it by taking my medicine and Lucky's medicine. And a real stab to know you did it in our bedroom. I remember feeling dizzy, lightheaded, and weak. The thought of having to take my medicine sickened me.

And Laura. She slept mostly through everything but left fatherless. Six months into the world and her father died. At that point, Israel did most of her care. Now I had to grieve and figure it out. I had to sing songs to Laura that both of us sang to her daily. She must have missed you. I know she did and that was more sadness. To think our daughter had any pain broke my heart.

I wanted to hit rewind. I wanted to go home and rest in your arms. I could see you coming in Julie's and taking us home. I wanted home.  But my life ended  a chapter and in came a new mysterious life.

Yes, this year was rough. But Laura and  I are closer to both of our families  and have a new extended family - Heather,  Tabitha, Luba, Donna and everyone. We are VERY fortunate.  And Laura is such a beautiful little girl  who wouldn't exist if you  weren't in my life. Thank you for her. Thank you for being her father for 6 months. She had a great foundation laid. It isn't easy waking up all night and working. :) She is better than we ever guessed. And guess what??? She loves books!!!

4/6/08

We have reached full circle. Even though you're not here in body, I know that your spirit lives. I miss you. I made a good life though and lots of great friends. I think you're happy for me and Laura. I want to say I forgive you, but I can't yet. I hope I can one day. I think I can soon.  I remember everything - from what you wore, your voice, laugh, details of your hands and smile. I'm grateful that I can remember. I know one day I won't be able to.

3/28/08

Tonight as I went to my office I had felt excitement that I might see you on AIM and talk to you. It has been almost a year and the pain almost seems worse than the first few months. I guess I was so busy I didn't have time to miss you. I also miss you on a more deeper level. We really had feelings that don't come everyday. I was so in love with you. Part of me will always feel like I gave up on you. If I really loved you would I have left? But yet I felt I had to for our safety.

But now I'm left alone to try to remember memories of our dating and marriage. There have been many times I wanted to ask you a question and remember I can't. I want to have a conversation with you so bad it feels like a major blow to my stomach. I do admit I feel safer - I don't have to worry about your rages and outbursts of complete relentless anger. Whenever you did that, you were amazed how quickly I forgave you after you asked forgiveness. And I was amazed how you could speak to me with such venom and be so loving otherwise.

I still can't believe I'm a widow and 32. Everything we worked so hard for since 1999 - marriage, house, child  - is all left to me to contend with. It's bizarre. Laura won't remember anything of you. Yet you spent hours collectively talking to me how you'd like to raise children. I still can't believe you're gone. I can visualize and hear you walking in the front door like you always do.

3/23/08

Today is Easter, and for some reason, it feels like the anniversary of your death. Perhaps it's the time of year or the first major holiday afterwards. I went to Mass today and could hear you singing in my ear, feel you hold my had, and kiss your lips after Communion. I physically ache for your touch and to see you. I definitely miss the Israel I knew

I believe that your spirit is helping me. Perhaps that belief is out of comfort or sorrow, but this year couldn't have worked out better considering your absence. I like to believe you have a part in that. I pretend sometimes that you just went on a long trip, and I play out in my mind you walking through the door. I could see our daily routine falling in place, and I picture you getting the help you need. I also imagine you visiting to see Laura - giving me advice and feedback on how to  raise her. But these fantasies will never happen.

Luckily, your family and mine has stayed close. Ben visits Laura twice a month and is establishing a relationship with her. I'm thrilled about that. You two are very similar in ways so he can teach her about you and himself as an uncle. Your mom is always thinking about Laura and buying her creative gifts. Ironically, I know we're closer now than ever. I also feel bad for the pain that they're going through. I was your wife, but they were your family.

I miss you and love you. I know I'm going to see you again - be ready for lots of questions. :)

365 days... how dark is darkness. How empty is life without you. The memories of you, which are supposed to be comforting and remind me of the greatness you possessed, only serve to sting, cut me and disimbowl my love for you. It's painfull to love you, but I do so love you with all my heart. You were a piece of me. I hold on to you. I want to grip you close and never let go.

 

I know this condition of my heart. I felt the tear before. I want to forgive you, but you hurt me and others so deeply.

 

Life is hard and it's moments of pleasure and peace often come spiratically. In these small moments, I look at nature with awe, I remember the person you were, and generally love life. I can close my eyes and hear you laugh.

 

I love you, Izzy

3/16/08

The first year anniversary is coming. In one way I welcome it to get it over with and in another way I wish it would never come. We were best friends. How did I  ever make 365 days without talking to you. Well I do talk to you but I can't hear you talk back, kiss you, or hug you like I always did. It's been painful. I don't think anyone knows how painful this has really been for me. I can't even express it. Learning to move on is far from easy.

I remember the week you died. I replayed it so many times it feels like I'm there.
It all started on Saturday - you became so angry over an email that I helped you with. That week you slipped away from me slowly, but if I knew you would kill yourself, I would turn back time. But I don't think I could stop you.

The last moment I saw you, you smiled at Zavier in the kitchen - looked at me for a moment, cleaned a yo-yo for Laura, took soup in the office and shut the door. The should haves and would haves will haunt me for the rest of my life. I had to re-learn how to live.. I'm still learning. I have had dates and all I can do is compare. But you taught me the parts of a relationship I want and what I never want to deal with again. I remember when you told me you wanted me to date again if you died before me. That helps the whole process.

Laura's voice is often passed over in this situation. She was left fatherless by your choice. Even though you trusted me to raise her, she needs you. You created her and abandoned her after six months. You would have adored her. I take sheer joy at everything she does and says. It's going to be tough explaining this choice to her and also explain how good of a father you were for 6 months.

Israel,
Jess always said we had a lot in common.  I loved hearing your unique and often times unexpected insights.  I remember our last conversation when I told you that you were an amazing father and that you and Laura were both so lucky.

I remember April 5th so vividly now.  I think the change of season is bringing an influx of memories that I couldn't make sense of.  I remember Hersjel coming home from work and asking where you were as we were having a birthday dinner that he prepared for me (always funny our birthdays were a day apart).  I told him you were not coming and there was a huge tension in the air as Jess was concerned and we called and called you.  After giving you space and time we were very concerned and Jess asked Hersjel to check in the next day.
Loss, horror, sadness, so final and so real.  Israel, I think about it everyday.  I don't know the reasons, but I do know that you have made your choice.  Zefke adored you as a fantastic uncle and misses you.  You were a hero to him.  You were part of our family and your part is now vacant. We miss you.  I wish we could just by pass the 5th this year.  But year after year and day after day we will need to come to terms with the loss that we feel so deeply.
Your sister in law,
julie

2/14/08

Today is the first Valentine's Day without you in eight years. I think you and God gave me the strength to make it today. I feared today to be honest.  Valentine's Day is one that I don't have any bad memories. I wish I could remember all of them, but I can't. A few stick out though. I remember our first - I gave you a heart shaped paperweight. We ate dinner at Wendy's. You gave me roses. I remember in 2004 (I think) you gave me a rose bush (and you planted it) and the trilogy of Back To The Future. You opened up the sofa bed, made it w/blankets, pillows, and popped pop corn. We watched as many as we could and fell asleep in the living room.

In 2006, we just found out we were going to have a baby. I felt bad that I didn't get you anything major, but you said the baby was the biggest gift of all. Fahriya was living here and when you came home from work, she gave you a hard time for not getting me anything (you pretended you had no idea what day it was.) You came in with a bag from Target - you said it wasn't the most romantic gift but something I'll probably need as it gets harder for me to move. It was two Sims games. We kissed and cuddled. That weekend we  went out to dinner.

In 2007, we had to take Laura to the doctor's because we thought she had pink eye. It was snowing. I remember as you carried me to the car, how you felt like superman. You were so strong and carried me through the snow. You never dropped me or slipped. On our way home, Laura was asleep and you stopped into Acme. You came out with chicken and chocolate candy. We went home, ate, played w/Laura, and laid in bed talking. I had no idea it would be our last.

In 2008, Laura looks adorable in her red pants and black Valentine's shirt. Her hair in pig tails. She laughs and runs. She's so smart and funny. I wonder if you can see her.....

Before our wedding, I sat at the Parish Center with my parents and bridal party. I heard Rebecca singing "The Wedding Song" from Peter, Paul, and Mary. I never felt happier. I am so in love with you. Despite all the pain I felt from you at times, I'm in love with you. I remember hearing that song and I felt like I was going to cry. My Mom kept me together. I remember walking down the aisle feeling so exhilerated. You looked so handsome and gave me the loving smile.

February 10, 2008

I miss you. I remember clearly the night when we met. We were just meant to be. Yes, you were different, and some warned me about your differences. Yet our souls could not stay away. I have so many regrets about April 5,  2007. My strongest regret is that I didn't tell you  that I loved you. Would it have mattered? I'll never know this.

When I go to Mass, your spirit is everywhere. I hear you singing every song. I see you holding my hand and kissing after Communion.

I had two dreams about you in a row. It always feels nice after I wake that I was with you. I talk to you often, but I long for your opinion/advice. We used to talk constantly about everything. Yet here I am 10 months later without talking together.

Beautiful. Israel called me beautiful. He believed that I was the most beautiful woman in the world.  He had me believing that I was.  I laughed whenever I was super sick with my hair a mess - he told me how good I looked. He also thought it looked good when I had tears streaming down my cheeks. He said that I looked vulnerable. 

I know this sounds crazy, but I miss being your woman. You pampered me. You rubbed my shoulders, rubbed my feet, kissed my hands, met my needs before I knew I had them.  You basically let me do whatever I wanted.  You took care of me. Even though I have wonderful friends, no one can compare to you in that area.  It's so hard going to bed alone. I long to be held and kissed. It's not easy being without you and having to act normal for Laura when all I want to do is to be with you. Being independent is good for me, but I sure do miss leaning on you for some extra help.

January 29, 2008

Our wedding day was May 11, 2002. I remember feeling horribly guilty because I cried all week beforehand.  Now looking back on it maybe somehow I knew how it would end.  But at the time, I just thought I was mourning my single life.

I woke up early in the morning.  I believe it was around 5:30am. I was thrilled it was our wedding day.  It looked beautiful - no rain in sight.  I climbed out of bed and had to call you.  To my delight you were awake.  I wish I could remember everything we said. I'm sure we talked about the honeymoon and that at the end of the day - we would be husband and wife. 

The day was too perfect.  I just had a memory of you standing me up at the Rolls-Royce - putting me in but you held me tight and kissed me so sweetly. I love you.  You still make me feel so alive and confident.  I miss you very much. There are times that I just want to give up and be with you.  But I can't right now but life isn't quite as mystical as it was with you.