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I complied this list April 27, 2007
- born 4/6/73 – premature and weighed 2 pounds
- Pottstown Hospital
- Favorite color blue
- Would only wear blue clothes – light blue oxford shirt and dark blue pants with belt and black shoes
- Wore jeans and different colored shirts after dating me
- Met 4/6/99 – AIM me and chatted
- Enjoyed working on dmoz and web sites
- Read everything but especially science fiction, romance, biographies
- Anne of Green Gable was favorite
- Wanted one child
- Liked TV – Science fiction, Star Trek, Stargate, and the Supernanny – got hooked on other shows that I watched and we watched together
- Liked movies – movies of people overcoming challenges, science fiction, romance, some war, 80 movies, children centered – no horror
- Liked chocolate, ice cream, peanut butter, chicken, chicken noodle soup, peaches, strawberry smoothies, bananas, chicken fingers, French fries, pop corn, unsalted crackers, peanuts, almonds, taffy, peppermint, granola bars, mint, hot tea, iced tea, water with no ice, mixed vegetables, chocolate chip cookies, brownies, cereal, steak, ribs, ham, brown rice, wheat bread
- Disliked salt, creamed soups, stuffing, hot food, spices, white rice
- Enjoyed music – B101 or BEN FM – easy listening – romantic music – Elton John, Ace of Base, any 80s music – music to sing with Disliked rap, heavy metal, country, and fast music
- Loved to sing – The One by Elton John, the Gloria, and anything really
- Loved to dance – especially with me – held me tight and lifted me off my feet when I got tired
- Loved to make me smile and laugh
- Loved my delayed reaction to something funny
- Liked cats
- Married 5/11/02
- Pregnant 2/3/06
- Had Laura 9/21/06
- Picked out Laura’s name – classy, intelligent, not too common and no funny nicknames
- Hated driving – wanted to be rich to hire a chauffer
- Liked to write – excellent grammar
- Favorite seasons: spring and fall
- Liked spring days
- Liked driving with windows down
- Hated to be cold
- Knew I was pregnant before the test – knew she was a girl
- Excited at every ultrasound
- Felt her first kicks and many more
- Fed me at all hours of the night when pregnant – no complaints
- Helped me in bathroom – all hours
- Liked giving me midnight snacks – fudge cicles and we’d talk
- Liked shopping at Walmart together – had countless trips
- Loved me in flannel PJs because I looked cuddly and comfy
- Loved when I laid in the nook of his arm and fall asleep or talk – said he was heart happy
- Cried when he was happy or emotionally touched
- Loved reading my writings especially from my heart
- Loved to hear me sing
- Hated when I over did cleaning or physical assertions at home
- Loved holding my hand – especially the left
- Kissed my hands, feet, and lips
- Loved my long hair
- Always made sure my nails were cut, had enough to drink/eat, was comfortable, and didn’t have to go to the bathroom
- Liked giving me roses and buying me my favorite foods
- Had glaucoma
- Had a limp
- Was strong
- Very handsome when he cut his hair
- Soft lips
- Wore bendable glasses – he got especially for me so I didn’t feel bad breaking them
- Always forgot where he put his glasses
- Loved naps
- Loved staying up late
- Typed 50wpm
- Engaged 5/19/01
- Liked NPR, Dr. Laura, George Bush, Rush Limbaugh
- Republican/Libertarian
- Anti-abortion
- Anti- alcohol
- Liked rinsing out with Listerine and using arm and hammer toothpaste, colgate shaving cream, sauve w/conditioner, power stick, scott toilet paper, brawny paper towel
- Liked me in pink or pastels
- Liked Breyers chocolate ice cream
- Explosive anger
- Picky on details
- Dictatorship
- Harsh with Lucky
- Liked to help people
- Liked history
Liked Linux
- Liked Apple
- Preferred hard chair over soft
- Liked to surprise me with a kiss
- Kissed me hello and goodbye
- Called me “Jessica” “Honey” or “Hon”
- Played blob wars with me and wheel of fortune
- Tucked me in every night
- Covered me when I kicked off blankets
- Blue eyes
- Loved to cuddle
- Liked to walk at night
- Committed suicide 4/5/07
- Viewing 4/10/07
- Funeral 4/11/07
- Read to me during thunderstorms
- Loved getting me chocolate milk every morning
- Made sure I took medicine
- Our song “love of my life” by Jim Brickman
- Missed me when I went out
- Called to say I love you
- Hated his stuff moved
- Loved Laura
- Loved holding, feeding, and singing to Laura
- Took pictures and videos of her
- Was first to see and hold her
- Proud of me with pregnancy and c section
- Felt bad to see me sick
- Had trouble apologizing
- Went to Drexel 2 years
January 10, 2008
Israel hated having to take his eye drops for glaucoma. We often wished he could take a pill for it. For some reason, the sound of him clicking the eye drop bottle with his fingernails entered my head. I heard this sound so many times. He had to take them twice a day. He'd wash his hands, sit anywhere (but usually his computer chair, couch, black chair, or lie on the bed), flick the eye drop bottle twice and put them in. He had to hold his tear ducts for 60 seconds. He couldn't talk then because he counted to sixty exactly. Afterwards he put his glasses on.
He tried to be regular with eye drops, but often he forgot or procrastinated. I remember seeing those eye drops bottles all over the house and car. He feared of going blind due to glaucoma.
I wrote this June 21, 2006 for a web site I worked for:
1. I'm very happy with my marriage to Israel. I can't believe it has been four years since our wedding day. I think our life together is pretty great. We spend time together and have very good friends. Like any married couple, we have challenges and arguments, but we are mainly happy with each other. Israel helps me, and I help him. We love each other very much and respect one another. The bottom line is that we are best friends.
2. The best part of being married is knowing each other so well we can finish each other sentences. Also the little surprises like when he unexpectedly makes me laugh or does something really nice without me asking. We enjoy lying in bed before falling asleep and talking about our day, dreams, goals, fears, and whatever else comes to mind.
3. I'm six months pregnant and due October 10. The baby is a girl. We both felt she was a girl from the beginning. We're keeping the name a surprise. We did pick a beautiful name though.
4. I think my pregnancy has been pretty normal, but more challenging with the CP. I had morning sickness that lasted all day for the first two months. The bad part was always needing help to clean up after being sick. I hated making Israel late to work sometimes or having to spend his evenings helping me. He never complained and was amazingly supportive.
Toward the end of my first trimester, I was very sick for two days. I had a fever and couldn't keep anything down. Israel spent the night nursing me back to health. I felt terrible, but so thankful to have him. He's also great about the trips to the bathroom at night and snacks.
Now the challenge is handling getting bigger. I've always been petite and that has made getting around easier. Gaining weight has made getting around harder and lifting difficult.
I'm looking forward to teaching our daughter and loving her. I can't wait to see her.
5. I'm the Catholicism Guide at About.com. I'm the Disabilities Editor and CBS Editor at BellaOnline.com. I work as a manager there too. We hosted an exchange student with cerebral palsy July 2005-March 2006.
6. My hobbies are playing games on the computer, watching TV, shopping, preparing for the baby, and spending time with friends and family.
When we were little, mom would often dress us up as twins. On one occassion, she dressed us up as railroad engineers and took us on a train ride into Norristown. Unfortunately, I felt at odds with you throughout childhood. We fought constantly, but you and I shared more than wardrobes. We shared a very bizarre and unique childhood that no one on earth could ever imagine. You were my only witness to these injustices of the world. Now, the damaging childhood, for which I can blame all of my adulthood faults and emotional disorders is but my burden alone. Everyone feels the scars of childhood. It was always comforting to know that you were always right there with me, through thick and thin. I miss you because I could see myself in you.
I have something very important to tell you. I told you a couple of times that you were, "so full of potential". I shouldn't have made it seem like you were not living to your potential. I never told you how proud I was of who you were, what you were doing or all of your accomplishments. I am so proud of you, Izzy. You are a great father, husband, brother, and humble servant of Jesus. I will live out the rest of my life being inspired by the person you are. My beloved Brother, companion, witness.
December 28, 2007
Last night Israel was in my dream. It felt so real that I felt like I was with him. We were talking and sitting so close to each other. He wore his standard blue outfit. He knew he was dead and couldn't physically touch me, but he could communicate with me. I told him I was upset I could never physically touch him.
The reality of not being married is truly sinking in tonight. We had a beautiful wedding. When our marriage was good, it was wonderful. I miss that so much. I miss being married - unconditional love and a partnership. I want him back so he can get the help needed and our love grows again. I miss you, Israel.
December 25, 2007
Israel liked Christmas music - O Come All Ye Faithful, Joy To The World, Angels We Have Heard On High, Silent Night, and O Holy Night were his favorite. He liked to surprise me and give me letters from Santa. He liked Christmas lights and Nativity scenes. He liked It's A Wonderful Life and Scrooge. He said he didn't really celebrate Christmas until I entered his life. He liked Christmas trees. He liked holding Laura and letting her look at the lights. He thought it was cute when I cried at Nester The Long Eared Donkey. I put a wreath at his grave today. I miss him. I miss his singing.
December 16, 2007
I've been having a hard time lately. I just feel so lonely and miss your familiarity and friendship. Memories are a funny thing. Sometimes I see you so strong that it is like it was yesterday. I see you walking toward me, smiling, bending on your knees, and kissing. I miss kissing you.. We kissed frequently. Your lips were soft and tender.
Remember the song " Don't Forget To Remember Me" by Carrie Underwood? You recorded it for Laura and the video. I remember you rocking her, singing it. You would have her watch it if she was fussy. One line said something like tell Daddy I'm Still His Little Girl. It hit me tonight that you're Laura's daddy. Not fair that she's without you.
December 10, 2007
You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins. This was our wedding song - I remember you singing it to Laura in Paoli Hospital. You sat on the edge of the bed and sang but your voice broke because you were so emotional with love.
December 6, 2007
It's been eight months since you left us. My heart still is broken, and I admit I'm still in love with you. I don't know how not to be because my heart doesn't believe you're gone. I remember all the details of the 5 & 6. Those days were hard, but the daily life now feels harder. I feel like we were so perfect and I took it for granted. If only you didn't have anger issues, our life was a fairy tale.
Eight months later our house looks different, Laura grew, Laura matured into this wonderful toddler, Heather moved in...but my love for you is unchanged. I still feel like our story is not over, but I can't finish it without you.
The other day I walked in the snow & cold, and remembered how much we loved fresh fallen snow. We would kiss and make tracks with my wheelchair. You liked how I found humor in making designs in the snow. We held hands. I can picture you so crystal clear. Your eyelashes with snow, cold hands, and cold lips until we kissed. On 2/14/07 we took Laura to an appointment and it was snowing. I remember watching you clear off the car. I was proud because it was so cold but you took care of us. We ate chicken when we got home and attempted to watch a movie.
I miss you. On your birthday one year it snowed and looked beautiful on the trees. I miss you and want you to come home.
November 30, 2007
I went to Walmart - the one by the Bonanza where we frequently ate dinner. I didn't connect it until we pulled into the parking lot. Then I was bombarded by memories that felt as if I was living in a movie. I even thought I saw you. I miss you. I love you.
I remember that before we knew I was pregnant but I was pregnant - I was picking out an outfit for Eva's baby at that Walmart. I picked one out and felt a thrill that one day we'll be picking an outfit for our child. You smiled and kissed me. A week later we found out we were pregnant!
I remember going there with you and buying bags and bags of frozen pancakes. You loved them and ate them daily. You had me hooked.
As I shopped I expected to see you in every aisle. I could see us laughing, talking, arguing (not that we really argued going out), picking out stuff together.. I could see you kneeling while reading a label figuring out the better deal saying "I just need one more minute, Hon." and you would pat my leg or hold my hand. Then you'd of course be several more minutes.
I remember when I had hiccups there and we bought Starbursts real quick because sugar made my hiccups go away. Then we proceeded to eat them all through the store.
I remember about a year ago we asked your Mom to watch Laura. We ate dinner at Bonanza and shopped at Walmart. It was our first "date" since we had her. We enjoyed our time but missed her very much. She was 2 months old.
I remember eating at Bonanza with you. We had fun. We actually met my Mom and grandmother there when I was about 5 weeks pregnant. We were amazed I could eat. You were so proud to have a baby on the way.
I remember discussing with you where we would park. You hated driving and parking.
Friday nights are so hard, Israel. Friday night was "our" night. You bought me a salami, roast beef sub at Subway. We'd eat dinner, watch a movie or tv show, play/work on the computer, talk in bed. Saturday mornings we sometimes wake up between 5-6am, talk forever, and fall back to sleep until 9 or 10. I remember waking up and you might be in the office - I'd just say "Is" or "Honey" and you'd come in, kiss me, put my hair up, and take me to the bathroom.
I miss calling you "Honey" or hearing it said to me. When I heard it, I knew everything was okay.
November 12, 2007
I've been missing you lots today. Laura was dancing all over the living room to the Lion King soundtrack. I felt your presence - smiling along with me as we watched our adorable daughter growing up and smiling. I imagined you were there - picking her up, dancing with her, making her giggle & laugh - then our eyes meet and we're amazed we could be so happy in that moment. You loved to dance. We would often dance together. You had your own unique style.
Nice imagination. But I know you would have loved that moment. I keep seeing you in my memory so clear. I see you sitting on the couch, sitting in the chair, sitting on the floor feeding me as we watch tv, smiling, I see you kissing me from being away from work, I see you tucking Laura in or teaching her something new. You should be doing this. You should be next to me wiping my tears from my cheeks and saying it was all a bad dream.
But it is not a dream. You are never going to do any of those and the pain of the reality makes breathing/thinking/feeling very difficult. I want to rewind a year - we were anticipating Laura's baptism. We were a family. I couldn't have imagined a year later I'm her only parent on Earth. But when you were here, you were a great father and she will know how much you loved her.
Israel loved children. He liked helping them, teaching them, and talking to them. He wanted to teach you to always learn. Using good grammar was very important to your father. He read nonstop. He liked to read science fiction the best. He liked stories that dealt with humanity conquering struggles. He was an advocate for the unborn. Your father loved me almost a month after we met. He loved you the day we learned you existed.
October 15, 2007
I missed you consistently since April 6, 2007, but now my brain and heart match. I miss you most intently and painfully. Of course I don’t miss the pain of our arguments and such, but I miss what kept us together – love and commitment.
Besides your final step, you were a committed husband. You taught me my physical disabilities were not a big deal. You taught me so much that made me who I am. You always said to me ‘you don’t need luck, you have skill.’ You might be right that I have many skills but knowing how to live without you is not one.
You loved taking care of me. I remember nights of working long hours on About.com. You would come back, kiss me, bring me a snack of chocolate & a drink. You’d kiss me so sweet that I felt high (even though I never was ‘high’) Your kisses made me dizzy. You would always make sure I took all of my medicine on time. When I went to bed, you covered me just how I like it and kiss me after positioning my pillows just so. We would lay there and talk about the day, our problems – individually and as a couple, and laugh. We’d have many solutions that we’d forget to write down
I can still feel my head on your shoulder and my hand resting on your shoulder. God, I miss that. We would call it “heart happy.” It was moments when all was right in the world only because we had and found each other. You liked to smell my hair and touch it. So many times you tried to read to me in bed but I never made it without sleeping softly asleep with your voice filling my mind. You would always check if my left hand was getting squished. Whenever I’d kick off the covers, you’d cover me up. You’d let me sleep until the last possible minute because you hated to wake me.
You loved to hold my left hand. You always made sure my fingernails were short so I didn’t scratch myself. Each night you would say ‘sleep well’ and ‘I love you.’ How does one go on from having that for 5 years to not at all? Actually, maybe it wasn’t physical, but we had a good night routine over the phone between 1999-2002. I talked to you for almost 8 years everyday. How do you move on? I miss my friend, my lover, my husband, my comedian, my support, my caregiver, my helper, my hero, the father of my child, my roommate. You are all that and more.
November 1, 2007
I was timid to hold your hand. Maybe it was because I thought the chemistry between us was strong and I had no idea what would happen when we touched. We were hanging out at the Coventry Mall all day. You asked me repeatedly if you could hold my hand. I said no because I couldn’t drive at the same time. You knew it was a lame excuse. I decided to surprise you.
You were asking the salesman at Sears where a CD was. I slipped my hand into yours and it felt like coming home. My hand fit comfortably in yours like it always belonged. You thought I didn’t mean it but I reassured you I meant it by my eyes. You looked so happy. From that moment on, we held hands often and everywhere. Even years in our marriage we fell asleep holding hands. I had to touch your hand in the casket because I loved your hands. They took care of me after all. They held our daughter, they tied my shoes, blew my nose, slipped my wedding ring on, did my hair, fed me, touched me, relaxed me. They were my partner to my hands. No one could get my hand out of a spasm like yours. You were patient, gentle, and knew exactly what to do. I remember holding your hand at Mass. We only let go at Communion and when you knelt. You held my hand as Laura was born. You were nervous – they were cool and sweaty, but no less reassuring. You told me you loved me and I was beautiful.
I remember when you would look at me in a funny way. I would say “what?” And you would say “I love you.” This would repeatedly happen all 8 years. We liked eating at Friendly’s. You would help me in a booth so we could be closer. We would kiss and kiss. You would put your arm around me. I remember when that song “Amazed” by Lonestar came on one day at the restaurant. You said you meant every word for me. No wonder we played it at the wedding.
You changed your image completely after we met. You used to wear big glasses, blue pants, and shirts. You ended up buying a very expensive pair of glasses that bended back in place if they were bent. You said they were for me so I would not need to worry about hurting them. You wore jeans and different colored shirts. I loved you in your blue sweatshirt and jeans. You were all comfortable. You were so very smart. I could ask you anything and you had an answer. You were my dictionary too.. Excellent speller. You were IT for me. I love you.
Remember the song, “Where My Heart Would Take Me.” We would sing it together every Wednesday night at 8pm at the beginning of Enterprise. Another song that described our feelings.
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